Posted by: Shira Danin | October 14, 2009

Security and Confidence

Exactly six months ago, I decided to be spontaneous and go out on a date an hour and a half away from where I live. We met at 11:30 pm on April 14th, 2009. I met the guy on Facebook. Who would’ve guessed…

It’s a good thing I’m spontaneous 🙂

It was an excellent long date, and an excellent (hopefully long) relationship was built.small us

I mentioned already how supportive and wonderful my Boyfriend Tomer is, but I wanted to write more.

In the last few months, I’ve been struggling with hard and contradicting thoughts. Most thought revolve around the future and what I do with myself. Thinking ahead, the only thing I know for sure is: I want to be a mom.  I recently started worrying that I might not be able to handle being pregnant and working  or raising kids and working.

This made me feel like I should toy with the thought of being a Stay-at-home-mom (/housewife).

This thought contradicts all the principles I was raised with. As a girl, and later as a woman, I always knew that I needed to be independent before I got married, be able to finance myself and not rely on others. It was “obvious” I would graduate university like my siblings and take care of myself by myself.

I began a Computer Sciences B.Sc. but quit after finishing half (1.5 years). I realized it didn’t interest me enough. I then switched to Business Management.

Making that switch was the last big decision that had nothing to do with Fibro.

Since then, sadly, the delays in school and work were directly related to my pain.

So graduation and taking care of myself by myself became a much more complex challenge than it was for my siblings (not to downplay their challenges of course)

Now that I’m starting my last year and trying to see where my life is flowing to, I begin thinking of life after school.

Since Tomer is in my life, he and our life together go into my thoughts regarding the future.

When I thought about the possibility of being a housewife, it was good f to hear from Tomer that it was alright with him.  He even said it might be better to have me take care of the kids instead of them being with a nanny all the time.

Not that I’m pregnant or planning to be any time soon, but it’s important to know that my life partner will support me in either path I choose (or is chosen for me) It makes me feel much more secure than before.

Yesterday I was visiting my cousin and we talked for a few hours. Out of 10 grandchildren, I am the youngest and she is right before me. Only 2.5 years apart.

After I turned 20 we started being closer and meeting beyond the two annual family meals.

Now we are great friends, and also family.

During our long talk, she surprised me and almost made me cry.

She said (not an accurate quote, as accurate as my fibro fog allows):

“You have a gift with people. You understand them and you know how to explain things in a way others understand. You know how to help people. Maybe you should teach people how to communicate….you’re good with people and I can see you as management.

I know in the last few months you lost confidence in yourself because of the Fibro, so know this:

You stayed yourself. The fibro does not change who you are and your innate gifts and talents”

Just typing this up now is making me tear up.

Mostly because it’s true- the part about losing my confidence.

Our entire childhood, girls are filled with feelings of insecurity regarding their physical and social self. I too had a problem with my self confidence regarding my appearance. Once I got over that I never imagined being insecure about my professional capabilities.

For some reason, right now, it’s hard for me to believe my knowledge and professional capabilities will ever be worth employments, or payment…anything…

Because of my inability to guarantee a schedule or a known amount of hours per month to any employer, I’m scared to get into it at all.

I’m scared of feeling pressure and stress.

Even the good kind of stress that stems from wanting to do, work and learn is scary. Even the good kind of stress can make the pain worse and mostly does.

Having considered everything written here, I’m beginning to think, at least for now, that I have to find my way to keep working. To keep living with the pain. To keep learning.

I have to do that, because maybe I do have something to contribute, and give to this world. Maybe I should keep learning and working the SEO/SEM field? I really do find SEO intriguing and I love doing it.

I hope I end up finding my self confidence in my professional abilities.

And Despite the security I feel with Tomer, I don’t think I can handle being a stay-at-home-mom.

I think I’m going to have bring something into the household just to feel complete and satisfied with myself.

I just hope I find my way to balance it all.

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Responses

  1. I used to work 60 hour work weeks, first because I wanted to and then because I had to. (got a divorce) I have an almost 18 year old beautiful daughter. I will never forget the day she begged me not to go to work, the day we talked about how much time I lost with her by being at work. (I also traveled quite alot) If there is a blessing to having fibro, it is that I had to quit work! I can’t get those years back but I make the most of our time together…..she is my friend now!!
    I don’t know how hard it would have been to raise her if I had gotten fibro when she was younger but I would love to have tried!!
    I always thought I had to be working to be complete and I finally figured out that I don’t.
    Just my thougts…..
    Love reading your thoughts…..

  2. Thanks Lynn-Marie, It’s so good to get thoughts from other fibro ladies. Especially in different stages of life than me.
    You made me think …(not that i ever stop)

  3. Shira-
    Facebook is quite an interesting thing. Not only does it allow people to connect, but to stay updated on people’s lives. With that in mind, I have been reading and updating myself on your “fibro” struggles through your blog. Like most people I’m sure, I am so sorry to hear how hard things have become for you. On the other hand, remembering what I remember about you, it is not surprising that you have met the challenge/struggle with intelligence and humor and dignity as evidenced by your blog posts.

    Your recent post – the one about confidence – inspired me to drop you a note. Initially, from an English teacher standpoint, I have to say that I find myself impressed with your ability to write in English. Then again, I always knew you were a smart young lady!! What really struck me this morning though, as I read, were these lines:
    “Having considered everything written here, I’m beginning to think, at least for now, that I have to find my way to keep working. To keep living with the pain. To keep learning.

    I have to do that, because maybe I do have something to contribute, and give to this world.”

    It brings a tear to my eye because I remember you as an inspirational, intelligent person who contributed greatly to Shorashim and your friends. It saddens me to think that you have lost sight of the things that your cousin and I and many others know – That you are a wonderful person that DEFINITELY has something to contribute and give to this world. My guess is that to this day, you still have an enormous impact on the people and world around you, and I guess I just wanted to let you know that I agree with your cousin – and maybe when more of us agree, it will help you remember and rebuild your confidence.

    Keep writing, keep laughing, keep living – and just know that many of us are thankful that you are who you are. You will find your way.

    Have a great year at BGU!!

    B’shalom v’ahava!
    dan


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